Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tainted_echo's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 18th, 2009
6:15 pm	How does one rewire ones brain? As I was told today that all the things I get frustrated about in my life are in place because I'm "too nice and thats ok cos its just the way you are" I feel I get stupidly annoyed when I'm told one of the parts of my personality I love the most will most likely conspire against me to destroy whatever chance of happiness I may damn well have. I don't believe this to be the case by the way. No, but it does make me feel vulnerable when I hear it. Out tonight, last one of the year. Not counting new years, but my track record on new years is pretty abysmal so not counting that night (Its a transition after all). Will see if tonight can top last week (So much sambuca and vodka! *bounces*) For Christmas I would like the reality I recieved on my 25th rebooting. I really liked that reality. Hope you are all well, and if I don't speak to you before...have a wonderful Christmas, and a funky New Year :) Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Friday, December 4th, 2009
12:01 pm	Quiz thing Bold the true statements, keep the false ones plain. 1) I miss somebody right now. 2) I do not watch tv these days. 3) I wear glasses or contact lenses. 4) I love to play video games 5) I have tried marijuana. 6) I have been in a threesome. 7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy. 8) I have changed mentally over the last year. 9) I curse. 10) I am totally smart. 11) I've broken someone's bones. 12) I am paranoid sometimes. 13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 14) I need money right now. 15) I love sushi. 16) I talk really, really fast. 17) I have long hair. 18) I have lost money in Las Vegas. 19) I have at least one sibling. 20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. 21) I couldn't survive without Caller ID. 22) I like the way I look. 23) I am usually pessimistic 24) I have a lot of mood swings. 25) I have a hidden talent. 26) I am always hyper. 27) I have a lot of friends. 28) I have pecked someone of the same sex. 29) I enjoy talking on the phone. 30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. 31) I love to shop. 32) Enjoy window shopping. 33) I would rather shop than eat. 34) I don't hate anyone. 35) I am a pretty good dancer. 36) I am completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. 37) I have a cell phone. 38) I believe in God. 39) I am an adrenaline junkie. 40) I watch MTV on a daily basis. 42) I have rejected someone before. 43) I want to have children in the future. 44) I have changed a diaper before. 45) I have called the cops on a friend before. 46) I am not allergic to anything. 47) I have a lot to learn. 48) I am shy around members of the opposite sex. 49) I have made a move on a friend, significant other or crush in the past. 50) I have tried alcohol before. 51) I own the South Park movie. 52) I would die for my best friend. 53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. 54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career. 55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. 56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. 57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. 58) I am happy 59) I am obsessed with girls/guys. 60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. 61) I study for tests most of the time. 62) I am comfortable with who I am right now. 63) I have more than just my ears pierced. (I currently don't...but I have had >.> ) 64) I walk barefoot wherever I can. 65) I have jumped off a bridge. 66) I love sea turtles or sea monkeys. 67) I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup. 68) Plan on achieving a major goal/dream. 69) I am proficient in a musical instrument. 70) I hate office jobs. 71) I love sci-fi movies. 72) I think water rules. 73) I went to college out of state. 74) I like sausages. 75) I love kisses. 76) I fall for the worst people. 77) I adore bright colors. 78) I can't live without black eyeliner. 80) I usually like covers better than originals. 81) I can pick up things with my toes... 82) I can whistle. 83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither. 84) I have ridden/owned a horse. 85) I still have every journal I've written in. 86) I can stick to a diet. 87) I talk in my sleep. 88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. 89) I have jazz in my blood. 90) Climbing trees is a brilliant pastime. 91) I wear a toe ring. 92) I can't stand at LEAST one person that I'm in the same class/work with. 93) I am a caffeine junkie. 94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. 95) I have been to over 15 conventions. 96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better. 97) I am an artist. 98) I only clean my room when necessary. (ie, never.) 99) I like a person of the same sex. 100) I love being happy. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
9:52 pm	Back for a while It is with a sense of great excitement that I realised that here I have a place that the ex and her friends have no awareness of. So I can rant and rave all I like without her seeing it and deciding to take it upon herself to 'protect' me. (seriously, there isn't a person on this planet that I would trust to make a serious decision for me. Not because they aren't capable of making decisions, merely because I don't seem to respond to other peoples choices so well) Yes I'm in bits, frankly I'm torn up by this whole situation. I'm starting to grow increasingly frustrated by the role reversal that is in place right now. I'm trying to hold a friendship together, to ensure that her feelings are protected and that she knows at least that I cared. She seems to be acting the way I should be, hiding away. I don't understand why I'm not acting the way I should be, why I'm still trying to be the fixer in all of this. I'd like to break, I'd like someone to fix me for once. I'm so bloody tired of putting everybody else first but it seems to just come naturally. How does one do selfish? What are the ACTUAL benefits? Because everything that I see in being selfish is just wrong... My emotions are up and down like never before, though I expect the job role I'm in doesn't give me the option to retreat like my previous ones have, I can't balance myself by cutting out social interaction because I've come to enjoy it rather then force myself into it. Seem to be mastering some of those skills that I've lacked in the past. I'm sorry for ranting, I've not seen my therapist in a few months and I think thats lost me some of my venting too. Hes getting good at finding the areas I'm not keen on talking about, apparently I do have walls, you just have to REALLY pry to find them. Oh, you may have gathered but I have a new job :) working with adults with learning difficulties, bloody tiring work, fair amount of stress to bounce about. But rewarding. Hope life is treating you all well, I'm sure I see you all less then I should (or in some peoples case not at all :o ) Take care Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Our Lady Peace - Where Are You (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
2:20 pm	Should probably delete those... I keep rereading emails, received several years ago, from a certain person. Such moments of joy, amazing how painful they are to read now. Memory is such a wondrous thing. Words like 'Love' are so tricky to assess. 'Never change' is a phrase I'm banning from my life, along with 'never let go.' My war on Cupid continues, the Patron Saint of Unrequited Love has had his sword blunted...I need a whetstone >.> and a new rifle, the bastard has a range advantage. Take care Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Random radio play (Comment on this)
Monday, January 12th, 2009
12:56 pm	A poem! Disconnected I need to see what makes you you to see what makes me me, I need to see what makes your world to see what lies between, I need to see all thats here to see whats missing too, I need to see the lies that lie deep in the heart of you, I want to see you by my side to see into your soul, I want to see you torn apart while I remain here whole, I want to see you exposed to the justice I bring to hand, I want to see you destitute and broken in the sand, I need to see you wanting, I want to deny your needs, I wish to know your wants, And see your needs become me... Its a very old poem, but I realised a lot of people haven't seen it, and I kinda like it...so I am pushing it out on you all :o Also...engagement party at Code next Friday ;) (Comment on this)
Friday, January 9th, 2009
2:13 pm	Happy new year... Five weeks since my last entry apparently. Things have been fun, they've also more recently been bloody dire. 2008 ended AWESOMELY! Everything up til pretty much 00:00 01/01/09 had something of worth. Everything since almost without exception has been the biggest pile of crap possible. This year really couldn't have started any worse, I've gone through a period of stress that for the first time I may attach the word 'depression' to, I'm back on the rails now, I don't feel quite so self destructive anymore. Quite. Need my friends around me now, unfortunatly for the first time in my life I find myself doubting them, I've always been someone that trusts a little too much. I had no idea having that stripped away would be so...painful. I don't like it, but such is life. Hope you all had a fantastic new year, I'm hoping things look up from now. Take care (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
1:27 pm	Not good :( Last night I spent most of my time in my cover in the kitchen...couldn't sleep and was too scared to stay in my room. As far back as I can remember I've stayed up to the early hours of the morning playing games, reading or some other task. I've always gone to bed when I feel I can't stay awake any longer. Its been so long I forgot why I do that, I tried to go to sleep at a decent hour last night while I was fully awake, suffered some major hallucinations, started with flashes that grew more solid, then when I closed my eyes I'd open them to horrific images, eventually I started seeing images with my eyes open, kinda like an image burned onto a screen. I'd close my eyes and the images would reform. I'm going in to see my psychotherapist today, not sure if I can get an appointment this soon, but if anyone has any advice for me it would be appreciated, thinking of asking for sleeping tablets or something. Need to regulate my sleeping but it isn't going to happen if this persists :( (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 1st, 2008
12:30 pm	Is still not wearing stockings... How many people on my lj know chaz that haven't already heard this story...a few I think...so I shall continue... Last night (Spiders halloween, emptier then I've ever seen the place for an event night) I was leaning on Chaz as he chatted to the dj. Chaz thought it'd be funny to start rubbing my leg, chaz proceded to rub 'my' leg for quite some time...then just before he started to move his hand up it suddenly clicked... 'hang on...I don't remember tainted wearing stockings...' He spins round, to find a young lass (thankfully trashed so no comprehension of what was going on) and pulls the most hilarious face I've seen him pull... Ah fun... Oh and I had some fun interactions too. Cute girl: Excuse me...but...are you gay? Me: Wha? Who? Me? Noooo... Cute girl: Its just that you're rather...feminine... Me: Ah well, the term you are looking for is *pause as she runs her hand down my back* ...camp (The conversation carries on for some time, getting more flirty, more contacts being made, more hopes raising until finally) Cute girl: Oh by the way, have you met my boyfriend. Me: Your...oh yes...I've met him *waves* >.< On the plus side they both bought me whiskey :D and I made some nice new friends with them...but still...damn it... Oh and a guy came up to me and said "you look like the guy outta muse! Which is no bad thing cos I'd fuck you right here." I'm disappointed in myself that the first reaction I had was "You don't know his name..." before I declared myself straight and fled... Hope you all had fun last night :D (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
1:04 pm	I think I regret that. I'm not sure though... Should probably explain, though the urge to leave it at that is...pleasing... I'm very possibly going to be performing some of my spoken word poetry at the Adelphi at some point in the future...in front of a group of people who do this on a regular basis...I'm a lil scared...but if it does get organised...I'm doing it. Sure I'll possibly look a fool, but thats just the way I like it...so complaining would be...silly. Also I started seeing things last week...I'm hoping its seeing things anyway, otherwise there is a strange woman that keeps doing strange things in my room...like falling through the floor, thats pretty strange...and holding statuettes above my head >.< Also I forgot how frustrating it is being single, sure I hardly ever got to see my girlfriend...but at least I knew she was there... *sighs* Oh and Andarial is fantastic...that I will not be explaining :p Current Mood: intimidated Current Music: Demon Hunter - The Tide Begins to Rise (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
11:25 am	I need a new scriptwriter... The one I have keeps putting out repeats... Was in the library about 10 mins ago...came out of the library to find several missed calls from my girlfriend and a txt saying "Could you pick up your phone please WE NEED TO TALK" (emphasis mine) So yes, me abandoning my pessemistic view I thought "she didn't mean it like that" Next call I get starts with "This is hard but..." I don't think it takes a brain scientist to work that one out... So here I am, awfully suspicious, since last night I got a text off one of her new best friends (a girl thats had a crush on me since before I met Mel) saying that she wants to meet up and she misses me. And I'm fighting the paranoia that maybe, just maybe she had something to do with it, I know she at LEAST knew that I was getting dumped, I'm thinking she thinks I'll be vulnerable now. She'd be bloody lucky. Am I a little hurt, yes, breakups always hurt, am I going to sit around and sulk about it, not bloody likely, am I going to jump in bed with the next ikkle goth girl that flutters her eyelashes at me, possibly >.> that was a joke :p So moving on, am I thrilled to be single, no, does it happen to remove a few problems >.> well...yes actually... But thats for me to know and you to...possibly find out :p Hope you are all well, I'm missing a lot of people, bricks move too slow Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
3:49 pm	98 - XP? I have a rather frustrating problem...I finally got back the disks containing the first 10 chapters of my novel the other day...only to find out that for some reason XP can't read 98 word files >.< Anyone know a way around this? I've tried opening it with notepad and...the other application whatsit...but no joy... Hope you are all well Take care (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
11:15 am	Yay for moronic driver culling!!! I think there needs to be an amendment to the law...that when some idiot thinks she can drive around the bus stopped in front of the crossing and hit my nephews buggy I can hunt them down with a highpowered sniper rifle just to blow off their limbs one by one... Hes okay we think, but obviously shocked, and my sister feels sick near roads, how hard is it to wait a few bloody minutes...he'd be dead if my sis hadn't left the car seat adapter in... I think I'm all ranted out now. Update, Sunday, had an awesome night out at Fuel, was told that I have a 'body for dancing' and that I should get up on the main dancefloor and 'shake my sexy booty' My protest was that this would cut down on my time in the cage...I think I had a lil too much fun...but hey, thats what cheesy pop night in a gay club is FOR damnit... Also in less exciting news my psychotherapist discovered something frustrating in our session yesterday...my mental defences are a lil too strong...and they can't quite get in...so they have to take apart the wall of coping mechanisms down bit by bit...which means I'll apparently start to feel more and more crazy... Oh and I'm talking to Jessie again...and after some initial ranting...quite a bit of initial ranting...we seem to be able to be civil...and I'm annoyed that this makes me feel rather pleasant...that there is a large part inside that took a big sigh and said 'I've missed this' Those of you that promised me death if I spoke to her again, ignore the above v.v Take care all Current Mood: angry Current Music: Lifehouse - Take Me Away (Comment on this)
Friday, September 19th, 2008
3:43 pm	I didn't jump I was pushed! I may have spent an 'ickle bit too much money today... But it wasn't my fault...people shouldn't take me to fancy clothes places and then tell me how great an outfit would look on me...especially when it in a style I've been looking at for quite some time... I'm thinking my other excuse is to claim it was advance retail therapy...tonight I go to Spiders...tonight I see Jessie for the first time since...well...that little explosion a while back... We will both be there because one of our mutual friends is leaving Hull (*le sob*) It could be tricky as we had a rather protracted battle of words on FaceBook...I left it saying that we need to call a truce for the sake of Spiders...she hasn't replied...but she is Sami's best friend...so I'm thinking that may be because she was thinking the same thing... Oh I had my hair cut at the local college today...I've never been a teaching aid before...I've never had a mirror in front of me gather soooo many notes...the washing was nice though...must get wash and cut more often...must also remember to be less intimidated by the presence of so many uniform college girls...the room was awash with them... College is a great place for making me feel old My army is growing...my Space Wolves successor chapter will destroy all that stand before them...aside from my growing Tyranid horde...[/geek] Hope everyone is doing well Take care! Current Mood: geeky Current Music: Breaking Benjamin - Blow Me Away (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
3:51 pm	So I added her I thought about it, and thought about it, then I thought what the hell, I'm fairly certain there is a limit to how much damage any one person can do to someone, and I think she surely must have reached it, besides I know where she sticks her knives now, so I just need to keep her out of my kitchen (And the award for worst metaphor goes to...) I'm also sane, yep, sane, not even slightly mentally ill, just rather screwed up in the head...in a completly sane way... So I still have to go to psychotherepy, because my Ogre Parent is dominant, and my Semantic Child is neglected, and I still need 'help' People are calling for a second opinion, apparently me being sane is unacceptable, I think people are worried because lots of people walking around thinking the thoughts I think would be dangerous, well thats the messed up part...so calm is required. I've been more confident over the last week then I remember ever being, it does however turn out that my isolated outbreaks of B.I.T.C.H. disorder are escalating...and a vague feeling of superiority is threatening to overwhelm me...so if I'm a dick to anyone just slap me and say something about liking the old me more or something... Today has been an odd day as well, for one thing, someone called me chicken... *shrugs* For another thing one of the advisors on the course I'm on suggested that one of the people on the course should sell their body...couple that with the cops I passed telling some people on the streets to keep what they had hidden in their coats and today is oddish Take care all Current Mood: predatory (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
6:17 pm	Distraction... What Is Your Battle Cry? Who is that, rampaging amidst the cliffs! It is Tainted_Echo, hands clutching a reflective halberd! He howls thunderously: "For the love of beatings, I carve into flesh like a river of pure piranha!!!" Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ? created by beatings : powered by monkeys (Comment on this)
5:05 pm	So...who talked? Ok...so I posted about feeling the urge to forgive Jessie...then within a few days I have a friends request on MySpace...I know I said I was feeling the urge...the important thing was that I was trying to fight it...and its so much harder to do when shes pushing back... I was nearly sick when I saw the request, a friend thinks thats a good thing, but I'm not so sure... This has all put a damper on my mood somewhat. Its telling somewhat that I haven't blocked her, and that the friend request is sat in my inbox waiting for attention...and I hate the fact that I can already hear thoughts with vague directions towards 'the possibilities' I need to get drunk, anyone fancy giving me a hand? Let me know (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 14th, 2008
8:22 pm	This or That... Leeds is looking...doubtful...turns out I'm not the only one that would struggle on the cost of travel...so I'm thinking Spiders on Friday may be the option...though offers have been made regarding getting to Leeds... I don't like choices >.< I also have never encountered this feeling of strangeness relating to accidentally grabbing a mouse mat instead of the mouse...best...not to ask... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
6:50 pm	Glory! 23 and single? Nope, anyone know how I can stop being pestered with dating ads just cos I'm down as 'single' on Facebook? And no changing my status is not a viable option, everyone that I feel would like to know knows aside from those that would instantly ask 'is she christian?' then freak out when I said 'no actually shes a shamanist'(sp?) Because of course I'm so easily led, I'll clearly follow her to the 'dark' side, such a weak mind I have...sometimes I can see why people think me being a christian would make me close-minded >.< Heres something amusing as well, Mel's parents are very strict on the fact that she can't stay over, on the grounds that we might 'get up to something' but have no problem with her spending 12+ hours unsupervised at my flat...because those extra hours somehow mean a whole new level of security would be breached. I applaud safety conscious parents, when they apply said safety with logic... And I just want to fall asleep with her, its been ages since I fell asleep with someone, I miss that, waking up next to her would of course be a bonus too. Ah well... Leeds may not be happening from the looks of things, my lift may not be going, shame really...I'm gonna pop over to confirm one way or the other, if thats the case we may organise something else, I refuse to continue the trend of organising some joint birthday thing with Rob then doing nothing, plus it gives me an excuse to say hi in a non-electronic way *thumbs* Oh and I have discovered a wonderful writer, Isaac Asminov (writer of 'I Robot') who, it turns out, was fantastic...some of his essays were so ahead of his time its unbelievable... I've been reading some of his short stories...I want more... Hope you are all well Current Music: Celldweller feat. Styles of Beyond - Shapeshifter (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 4th, 2008
2:36 pm	Find your fallout shelters I am very close to exploding, I don't explode a lot, but its one of the few times my Italian side pops its head out, I have a horrible temper... I am gradually becoming more and more annoyed on the home front, people buying food and labelling it is not often a problem, I don't mind that, its their money, but when that is preceeded by said person requesting that some of the flats food money is spent on electricity it wears a bit then. So you have food, we don't... Of course the fact that I recieved a text alerting me to the 'emergency' of there only being 30p electric left...only to get back to the flat to find aforementioned texter watching DVDs of all things...is a little more trying... I am perfectly aware that the person I am talking about will read this, I know for a fact that you will become irate that I've said this, I can promise you that this is a much safer way for me to discuss this right now. Other news, nearing my birthday, pretty certain I will be spending the day in Leeds at the latest Toy Soldier invasion (Woot!) meeting some new friends, then heading to Wendy House afterwards...should be awesome fun. Might cheer things up a little, we shall see. Been working on my sketching a little more lately, and practicing poi (I can do teh butterfly *glee*) and am becoming more and more pleased with the results, bought some fineliners the other day and was AMAZED with the difference it made to my sketches, turns out the reason they looked so messy was because I was using a ballpoint... Played around with colouring also, seem to have a little more of a grasp of that then I believed, still not fantastic but I can at least play about there. Hope everyone is well, take care and such like. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: 30 Seconds to Mars - I'll Attack (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
2:53 pm	I should avoid working myself up... Last night I went for a meal at Ellie's house, a few friends that I know and a new one who I didn't where also in attendance. Scott (The new one) looked out the window at one point and claims to have seen two albino kids look at him out of a bus and hold cloth over there mouths. That should have been the end of it but me being me I launched into a long hypothesis of how this meant that we were actually in a horror movie and in a moment someone was going to toilet and not come back. One of my fellow diners then mentioned that she was going to go but didn't feel like it anymoe, I giggled, then continued winding everyone up. Of course my grasp on reality isn't that great, this is part of the reason WHY I can be so serious while talking obvious drivel...so a part of me started to think about it seriously... Anyway eventually the night ground to a halt and most people scattered to their places of rest leaving me and Chaz to nerd out, Chaz went to the toilet... Within SECONDS of his heading up the stairs the fuse went in the downstairs lights...plunging me into darkness and shattering what grasp I had on the reality of the situation...I scattered to the window only to be freaked out by the number of shadows I then threw across the room...eventually creeping to within sight of the front door and waiting patiently for Chaz to return, he did, intact, not blood crazed, not possessed of some demonic entity, and I believe fairly amused by my skittishness... This morning something pinned me down in my bed...and bounced on my chest... I'm regretting saying that I could wait for my psychotherapy now. But yeah...its been fun *thumbs* Might be moving soon, might be single soon, might be turning into a small yellow table soon, probablity in those statements scaled. 1-0 or 0-1 you decide what works best in your mind. Had a fun night out at Spiders on Friday, or as much fun as one CAN have in Spiders these days...it was a good night. Having to supress an INSANE impulse to forgive Jessie, that would perhaps be the one most stupid thing I could possibly do, still its an effort... http://taintedecho.deviantart.com/art/Three-words-93258498 Can't think of anything else to update, hope everybody is well, take care all (Comment on this)